my husband is driving my daughter away

Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. Apparently its socially okay to go to games and paint your face and do whatever sports fans do, but Buffy marathons arent. Who knows what interests of your husbands she may learn to appreciate if she were more exposed to them. Youre bonding with your daughter at the expense of the relationship with your husband. I actually wish my parents had exposed me to more things, even things I didnt like. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. There are many things I love about my husband. However, he also needs to learn to compromise. Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). I honestly think both parents are at fault. I did so out of obligation and obedience, but now that Im older, I certainly appreciate what I learned, and wish I had paid more attention than I did. A museum or something might be a good start. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. Amazing job today! FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2','ezslot_10',130,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-large-mobile-banner-2-0');You feel yourself in big trouble when suddenly your husband and daughter are caught in the middle of a nasty argument. And I got into the Beatles at a VERY young age I used to listen to cassette tapes before I fell asleep, but got bored with the same-old Sesame Street and Little Mermaid, so I asked them for something new. This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. Please implore him to realize that if one of your daughters peers was reacting similarly to her, the two of you would deplore that child as a Mean Kid. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. painted_lady So you need to be more encouraging of her spending time with him and stop acting like a little club. Look, Im sorry, but your hand here is rather plainly seen. Great lesson to learn from your dad. I just have to say, I have NEVER felt comfortable choosing what to watch on tv if Im in the same room as my dad because I know he thinks 95% of what Id want to watch is annoying. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. I even managed to convince him to watch Firefly (he loves Jayne. I finally watched Firefly for the first time last night with my bf who has been begging me to watch it with him. And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. July 2, 2013, 12:34 pm. What if your partner rolled his eyes and engaged in ever escalating arguments would you keep pushing them together!?! However you come about discovering a new way to be together, it is better to take a chance of doing something different than to let layers of disappointment bury the love you once held sacred. Would I have said, at 12 or 13, Hey Dad, hows about a trip to Home Depot on this fine Sunday? What is this site, a Masters program? And if the mom feels this strongly about it and him interrupting them, I would bet that she complains about her husband to her daughter, which is not OK. Sophronisba I thought Wendys first sentence was actually pretty snotty which surprised the heck out of me. But it isnt you guys against him. Whatever the cause, its important to try to understand why this is happening, and take steps to rectify the situation before it causes lasting damage to your relationship with your daughter. I watched a show about what would happen if aliens were discovered, and I know there are some about how realistic certain science fiction shows are. He then referred to it as anti-hunting shit, and we werent allowed to like it. Oh, how fun for all three of you to just sit around endlessly for hours while the dvd player spins Buffy endlessly And then, next, comes Angel! LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. And my dad is so crazy into going to my games Walter said he was yelling his head off at the last one. Talk about making a little go a very long way. My parents are/were anti-intellectual, though, and wouldnt let me go see ballets, theatre productions, or hit up museums because I was trying to put on airs. Cool! When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm. Why Does Your Daughter Wants You To Leave Your Husband? How frustrating for your husband that you have turned your daughter into a clone of all the things about you that are probably annoying to him Things he has quietly tolerated for years But now are somehow totally taking OVER your lives. Oh, This Old House. I hated sitting through long sports games. But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. I actually had the opposite relationship growing up. Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! On the flip side, my mother was much like LWs husband in that she always encouraged competitiveness and athleticism and things she thought were good. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. Ill also add that it needs to be understood that belittling interests and eye-rolling is not okay from the daughter either- if youre seeing it from her to him it needs to end now. Your Husband & Daughter Don't Get Along: How to Resolve - TRN Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. I would have been crushed if he rolled his eyes when I was excitedly talking about something. I simply didnt get it.) My dad really, really loves talking about the 60s, and some aspects of it, like the space race, I care about but dont really find compelling enough to discuss, but other parts, like the JFK assassination, Im fascinated by, so we talk about that a lot, along with the Civil Rights movement and what it was like to watch (he was there! (I highly recommend looking into how to cook with your fish encased in salt, something magical happens.). Dont let anyone else control your decisions. July 2, 2013, 2:09 pm, Absolutely agree. I really think if said in the right context, you can support both your husband and your daughter. Particularly this, Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. That was my guess too. And my dad is a veritable warehouse of rocknroll trivia when a new song came on, hed often share a fact he knew about the band (Did you know Rush is a three-person band, and that the bassist is the lead singer?), or tell us about a concert he went to in his youth (hes been on stage with Ozzy, yall, close enough to see the O-Z-Z-Y tattooed across his knuckles), or quiz me and my brother to see if we knew who the band was or what the song was. Express your love and offer your help as opportunities arise. But you seem to have past that point long ago) Just as your husband has tried to cultivate in her his interests. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. Agree i cant imagine being receptive to spending time with my dad when it consists of him mocking what my 12-year old self likes AND assigning me reading assignments. Of course the fights will get worse as she challenges boundaries and pushes back against his authority. Can Someone Else Drive My Car? | American Family Insurance - amfam.com When I was a kid, my mom was always kind of a dick about going to see my dads family, so it was usually just him and me. Tell them in detail what you like about them. Also, this is tangential, but Im always amused/annoyed when people are criticized for being geeks but if the topic at hand were sports, no one would say a thing. Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? NIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE RESPONSE, WENDY! he wants to teach her to drive. Being a parent is more about shaping your child to be secure, well adjusted, happy (etc!!) Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. She wasnt responding to the father though. July 15, 2013, 3:10 pm. However, now as an adult, he appreciates my intelligence and how much thought and research I put into topics, even if we dont agree. So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. 1. I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm, A parent should NEVER make fun of their child.. Too little time to post! The episode where Picard experiences an entire lifetime with a wife, children, grandchildren etc. It is as if some hidden combination of childhood trauma and life experience made them terrified to owe their partners anything. July 3, 2013, 3:16 am. More of a this is silly than yall are stupid eye roll. They loved it, I hated it. You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. You may not see the rewards right away. If youre not sure how to establish or improve your bond with your daughter, here are five tips: In conclusion, it is evident that a daughter needs her fathers guidance and support, especially during her teenage years. Um, not so much. July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. My Dad and I had similar interests so it was real easy to build a relationship with him with my sister not so much, he didnt know how to relate to her as she had all the same interests as my mother. Its like a circle of hell specifically for we of the ADHD. My eldest daughter left for university five years ago and has never come home, though I do chat with her by phone. AITA for not driving my wife to our son's wedding since I'm not invited? Try to find something that they can both enjoy, maybe small doses of togetherness at first. Additionally, she may worry that if she stays in an unhappy marriage like yours, it will damage her relationship with her future spouse. If it doesnt come from both sides, its hard to want to do something with the other person, if the other person doesnt do anything to see your side of it. She is also noncompetitive. Express appreciation in your husbands interests so that your daughter may learn to appreciate them or at least be curious about them too. The Golden Rule for all intimate relationships is just as relevant in this situation: No matter how good your intention or how deeply you care for your partner, dont keep participating in interactions that create frustration and emotional distance. Seriously, this guy is an asshole. My inner fan girl is all riled up now =). I totally get it, but shes just got to snap out of it and team up with Dad. Dad thinks Im stupid. Dad thinks Im not good enough.. My husband is driving me crazy over my daughters wedding , temperance Remember, your relationship with your spouse should come first. But, for example, my mom used to watch I Love Lucy and Alfred Hitchcock Presents late at night, and during the summers, Id stay up late, and I gradually developed a taste for both of them. temperance The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire novel Chapter 89 Take Them All Away . Im a mom of a 14 yr old version of this LWs daughter mine is going to One Direction on Thursday, and will be spending all of Wednesday and Thursday both preparing for this epic event. Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . What music you like or books you read is a matter of personal preference, and really its rude to mock people for their personal taste just because it doesnt align with yours unless theres racism or violence or something. And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. (Okay, okay, I am projecting here, but again, I had way too many friends who were all way to into Buffy back in the day. Definitely. Their partners also need to understand that most of the sabotaging behavior is not only unintended but carries significant grief and guilt with it. Maybe not the way it is being done (which Im not sure how that is) but it is possible to make it fun and even do it as a family. Theres even more scripted shows re: that sort of thing. It was nothing but glassy-eyed stares and yawning. Theyre a great way to get people who dont necessarily share a lot of common interests involved. I have to just try harder.. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. The daughter goes hiking, but the father cant say anything nice when his daughter talks about her interests. He likes baseball, but he doesnt want to go to games, he likes golf, but he doesnt ever go, he likes history, but he doesnt really like books, hell watch something about the JFK assassination if its on the history channel but cant be bothered to pop in a DVDgift giving, really, is impossible, as is spending time with him that doesnt involve eating. It took me a VERY long time to develop my own interests and become my own person I think youre right to encourage your daughter to be who she is and like what she likes. If you are involved with a crazy-making partner, dont think youre alone. Theres no excuse for that. At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? In this blog post, we will explore some strategies for resolving conflict between a parent and their partners children. As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? I also really enjoyed Measure of Man which was the episode where Datas humanity is put on trial. YUCK. is the crux of your real issues here. July 2, 2013, 3:39 pm. Even if you didn't start out as a control freak, you might have realized that you morphed into one. Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. Its her birthday today So Im taking her out for a steak dinner and then were going to watch fireworks (which she has decided the city has put on for her). I promise, the daughter will remember and cherish the efforts. Did we always get along? My grandparents have a VHS of her wishing my cousin and I happy birthday. They gave me a mixtape with a whole bunch of different Beatles on it, and I am still a huge Beatles fan to this day. I agree with this, except, I dont think the mother was intentionally pushing these shows on her, it probably just happened. Although Mom does need to step up and encourage a stronger relationship between the two of them, its ultimately Dads responsibility to cultivate that relationship. We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. She may not be interested in that stuff NOW, but it can sure come in handy later. I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. You can see it in the fighting. A little . We have a 1-year-old daughter together. Like my sister loves Elvis, because my parents use to always listen to the Elvis hour on Sundays on the local oldies station, I didnt like Elvis then, so choose not to listen to it, I put my walkman on with Metallica, and Red Hot Chilli Peppers in it. Did nobody notice this in the OPs letter? New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. We cant watch anything on TV or listen to anything in the car related to her interests while hes around, and if we are talking about something he will sometimes break in and tell us to stop because it annoys him. In short, that means they have a common reality they both share, so that each believes the other will see things in approximately the same way. But that he made the effort to give me my interests. My parents listened to Oldies. 11 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Damage Their Children - Divorced Moms July 2, 2013, 12:06 pm. Make it easier for him to be his best self. Id like you to point out the things that you find fun or interesting along the way so I can see it from your eyesand then next week, the new Star Trek movie is out on DVD, so I would love for you to watch it with me. I mean ever. He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. Also have to add that her father probably doesnt realize it, but at that age I felt like criticism of what I took an interest in was equal to criticism of myself. July 2, 2013, 11:46 am. I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. Its already happening. It's as though he can't stop himself from being dictatorial, negative or critical, and all this has done is drive them away. Why should your husband treat her that way?? Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. When Spouses Disagree About Parenting - Positive Parenting Sometimes those things just happen. lbh based on the LWs description do you really think this is the same as your experience? | July 3, 2013, 1:09 am, If the Mom is copying her daughters interests with such a vengeance its even more creepy. If you have any concerns that your husband is driving your daughter away, be sure to talk to him about it. By myself, though. What To Do When My Husband Is Driving My Daughter Away? When they are able to see the. Shes interested in piano, archery, musicals and science fiction. I read baby sitter club books and was part of the official fan club. Same thing with intellectual or cultural topics. I had NO IDEA what that was, so I did the can-can. The meaning of driving a car in a dream - WellBeing Magazine If he simply refuses to see that there is a problem and you continue to feel miserable, I suggest you consider talking things through with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). But he never stopped trying, and even if I was a brat, he still acted like an adult and never sunk to my level. But hes so cute when hes excited about something. You didnt cause the problem, and you cant fix it. Contact Us. Up to a point. July 2, 2013, 11:50 am. My Spouse Verbally and Emotionally Abuses Our Children Hes a good person, but our relationship as two adults is not a close one and at times feels forced on my end because I still dont know how to be myself around him. He started throwing me out at 13 for reasons like my friend being weird, my hair being weird, my music being terrible, etc. I think the disparaging, if nothing else, has got to stop. You just have to learn to ignore that. You can look at him as a mean bully, like you do, or an involved father who is trying to raise a well rounded child. Agreed. My point is, you have cultivated these interests in your daughter. But what upset me more is his reaction. If the individual is below the legal age of drinking at 21, the BAC level is usually around 0.02. That means theres a common ground there, even if its the size of a postage stamp. But I also honestly think that the husband/dad might not be such a jerk face if he wasnt 100% put on the back burner. Shes driving me crazy and I dont know how long I can take it.. Whats ok is to have a balance. Sure, he dragged me out on hikes that I hated, and I was a brat and pain during many of them. You will learn from all of them. Dear Therapist: My In-Laws Are Driving Me Nuts - The Atlantic Asking her to read a National Geographic article is hardly onerous. It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. All of these are better that watching the Kardashians find new ways to make money or reading magazines that criticize stars beach bodies. Heck no! When I was a kid in middle school, I clammed up and didnt develop my relationship with my parents because they were critical of my interests.

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